If a man was caught cheating a hundred years ago, he could tell him that the devil made him cheat. Today, men still use the same kinds of excuses, but their excuses take on a new tone that fits the times we live in. They will use terms like “sex addiction” or tell you that regular use of pornography contributed to their infidelity. Many people think that this is a way that men do not take responsibility for their infidelity. But many of these men fully believe that they are telling the truth when they make their claims. This leaves their wives trying to unravel the knots to determine how to handle this excuse.
A wife might say, “I caught my husband viewing and interacting with porn long before I caught him physically cheating. Catching him in porn chat rooms happened years ago. We had a huge fight about it. He would say all men do it.” “. , but he promised to stop out of respect for me. I think he sometimes he would stop for a while. But after a certain time passed, he would catch it again. And each time, we would get in a great fight. He assured me that he would stop, but he also said that it was harmless. He said that he looked, but did not touch. And he said that this would never lead to physical contact with anyone. Well, I guess, in a sense, he hasn’t. I found out he’s been having an affair. But the affair wasn’t with a stranger he’s been ‘chatting’ with online (although I wouldn’t be surprised to find this has happened before.) No, he’s been cheating on a woman at work. Of course my first inclination was to ask him why the hell he would do this to us. At first he said that he did not know. But I told him that this answer wasn’t even close to good enough. A couple of days later, he told me that he had been thinking about this and that he had determined that it was probably the pornography that had led him to have an affair. He said that he believes that pornography gave him unrealistic expectations of what sex should be like. And he was probably frustrated that I didn’t have sex with him like people in pornography had sex. But that “the other woman” was closer to his expectations in that regard. This honestly makes my stomach churn. It makes me think that my husband is absolutely disgusting, just like the other woman. I have no intention of having sex like the people in those videos do. I would really like to save my marriage, but I am certainly not willing to stoop to this level. My husband says he doesn’t expect me to. He says that he will stop watching porn and break her hold on him. Is this possible?”
Examining your motivations: I think that ultimately it is possible that pornography is a contributing factor, but I also believe that sometimes men use the excuse of “pornography” or “sex addiction” to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. I once saw a discussion where the expert who spoke summed up this topic perfectly, at least in my opinion. The moderator asked him if “sex addiction” existed and if it was a valid excuse. The expert basically shook his head and said, “You don’t see all these men seeking sex addiction treatment when they haven’t been caught, do you? It’s only when they get caught that they suddenly go for treatment.”
What the statistics tell us: Having said the above, I think that men looking for porn are more likely to cheat. I hear about this topic too often to think that there is no connection. While statistics show that only 33 percent of men who engage in cybersex have affairs, statistics also show that pornography increases the rate of infidelity by 300 percent. The reason for this could be that the rise of pornography contributes to someone being less sexually satisfied with their spouse and also less emotionally connected. Neither of these things is good for your marriage and both could certainly be a contributing factor to an affair.
getting over this: Yes, people, with determination and hard work, overcome all kinds of addictions, including pornography. But it’s not easy. Often, they require the will to overcome this, as well as professional help and support. The thing about porn is that it’s so easy. It is easily available and people can easily access it privately on their phones. So they have to really want to stop.
Your husband probably wasn’t lying when he told you that pornography played a role. As she has seen in the statistics, she may well have been a contributing factor. But that doesn’t negate the fact that she must take responsibility for his actions and that she must take the initiative to put an end to whatever contributed to the affair, be it pornography or something else.
It’s good that he clearly sees what needs to be changed. Not all men do. Some will pretend they have no idea why they cheated. Therefore, being able to identify the problem and show your willingness to eradicate it is a good sign. But you can’t stop with just these initial steps. This can be overcome, but often requires help, determination, and patience.
