I hardly know anyone who hasn’t complained a lot about their mother-in-law. Only very few women will say that her mother-in-law is a very nice person who is not imposing and is very calm. Mothers-in-law who are humble and accepting of their daughters-in-law are a rare breed. Most of us do not belong to this lucky group that has mothers-in-law who are not dominant. It becomes more difficult to deal with them when we have children. Here are 6 secrets to help moms deal with their difficult mother-in-law:

1. First of all, it is very important to know and truly believe that you are the best mother for your child, regardless of what others tell you. Difficult mothers-in-law like to put you down and tell you (or imply through their actions) that you’re not up to the (mother’s) job, one way or another. But, don’t doubt yourself. Since God has given you this child, he must have known that you are the best mother your child could have, so why should anyone tell you otherwise? So, don’t doubt yourself, ever.
2. It is important that we are as independent as possible from our mothers-in-law. If your mother-in-law feels that you can’t live without her, she will want to take care of her. This could mean not asking for her help out of convenience. It could also mean trying to do everything on her own, or getting help from friends or other family members (or hiring one). It is important that you do not show that you are not confident, that you are not sure of what you are doing or that you are not capable of coping. I know we shouldn’t try to be super moms, but in front of your difficult mother-in-law, you better be, because that’s what they expect of you (unfortunately), since they think they are super moms. So, the moral of the story is: avoid getting help from her mother-in-law.
3. One of the most effective ways to deal with your difficult mother-in-law is to get your husband on your side and have him deal with your mother-in-law. He shares with your husband how you feel about the whole situation and make him understand what you are going through and sympathize with you. Your husband needs to defend you, protect you and be the head of your home. He needs to tell his mother that he gives you the opportunity to manage your own house and your own children. He needs to help his mother to be aware that she already had her turn when her children were little, and now it is your turn to take care of your children.
4. At every opportunity you can, try to be as firm as possible with your difficult mother-in-law and tell her that you can do it, or that you want to take care of the children. Easier said than done, but you just have to pluck up the courage and open your mouth to say no, instead of burying it all in and keeping quiet. It’s better to tell him that you can handle things on your own when you’re calm and in control than when you can’t hold all the pain in anymore and have an outburst.
5. It is probably useful for you to realize that your difficult mother-in-law became difficult not without reason. She probably has a lot of problems of her own that she doesn’t want to admit or face. So she tries not to take it personally. She’s probably not having fun while she’s making your life difficult. She’s probably just telling you about her ‘problems’. So she tries not to contaminate you and allow her unhappiness to affect you.
6. Lastly, if you live with your mother-in-law, move out. The more he knows about what’s going on in his family, the more he wants to take charge. So the best way is to let him know as few things as possible. Even if he has to move a few houses away from her, it’s better than living in the same house with her. It’s really liberating when your mother-in-law doesn’t scrutinize (and criticize) everything you do or have. When she doesn’t see everything that happens, the urge to take charge will be less, because she won’t see as many imperfections that she needs to correct. She won’t know exactly how many times your baby cries that day, etc. She may still want to break into your house as her own, but when that happens, you’ll probably have to work with your husband to find a few things to keep her busy in other areas.

I think we need to stop dreaming that one day we will have a perfect mother-daughter relationship with our mother-in-law, because it rarely happens. We come from different backgrounds, values, and beliefs and it’s very hard to expect two women who didn’t choose to be together (well, you married your husband, not your mother-in-law) to come together. If your difficult mother-in-law can’t respect you as a person, keeping a safe distance from her is the most practical remedy.