As a career Army officer, US Army Ranger, and combat amputee, I find that many people go out of their way to thank me for my service. A woman looked at the Purple Heart license plate on my car and walked to the end of the parking lot to express her thanks, tears in her eyes.
After all these years, I still don’t know how to respond to those compliments. Finally, I settled on a simple “Thank you for your appreciation.” When introduced to a vet, many people offer these types of comments, and many tend to “say something else” after the vet responds. This is where the problem begins because simple curiosity can sometimes cause you to say the wrong thing.
Because the military has been trained to hide their true feelings, many vets will not let you know that a comment has hit a nerve. Others, of course, will let you know in an instant that you are out of place. It’s easy to make such a mistake, but as practitioners of diversity, we know the importance of addressing people whose experience is different from ours.
Here is a list of the top ten things not to say to a military veteran.
1. “Did you join the service because you couldn’t get a real job?” – You do not need to make assumptions about the reasons for enlistment. Lack of employment could well be the reason, but most people sign up for reasons like patriotism, training, and adventure. Some veterans enlisted or were drafted immediately after high school. Others joined after college. You can find out what you want to know by asking, “Why did you enlist?”
2. “Weren’t you smart enough to avoid the infantry?” – Trying to be funny with this topic is not a way to make friends. Assuming that infantrymen are intellectually inferior to others is a big mistake. Simply ask, “What attracted you to the infantry?” If the person had no other choice or had other reasons for being a “ground kicker,” they will tell you.
3. “I barely missed the draft.” or “I was between the wars.” – This bug can instantly alienate combat veterans. Many vets will be very happy for you, but volunteering the information sounds like “bragging” or “poor me, I couldn’t go to war.” If they don’t ask about your service, you don’t need to make excuses.
4. “I wish I had served in the military. I feel like I missed something.” – If you know the veteran well enough, it’s okay to discuss this kind of thing. But saying this to a vet at your first meeting is like “crying over spilled milk.” The vet might as well think, “Why are you telling me this? If you really wanted to join, you would have. Don’t try to make me alleviate your guilt or bad feelings.”
5. “My good friend died in the war.” – What if the veteran you’re talking to also lost his best friend that way? What if the vet was fighting alongside his best friend when he died in a horrible shooting? Your comment evokes memories that are best left alone. Wait until you meet your vet before talking about this. Wait until you know if the vet was in battle or handling the clerical work. Wait until the vet asks about your contact with the war.
6. “Is it true that you killed civilians?” – You already know the answer to this before you ask. Civilians die in war, but their deaths are unintentional. Asking this question means that you are preparing to make accusations or that you already have a preconceived notion about the vet you are talking to.
7. “My grandfather (uncle, brother, sister, etc.) was in the service.” – Giving this information at the first meeting sounds like you are making an excuse about why you weren’t at the service, like “I didn’t go, but our family made a contribution.” Why would you bring this up in the first few conversations with a vet unless there is a possibility that they will serve together?
8. “What was your rank?” – This can be a very sensitive topic, especially if you don’t know the person you are asking very well. This question often seems critical. How do you respond when you hear the answer? a big smile and compliments for a high ranking officer? What if the vet had the rank of private? How do you handle that? It’s easy to assume that if you ask the question, you’ve formed an opinion about the vet based on the answer.
9. “Well, I was one of the protesters in those days (nervous laugh), but thank you for your service.” – You’re lucky if you don’t swallow some front teeth with this comment. The vet probably won’t care if you were a protest, but dismissing the comment when you first meet the vet says a lot more about who you are now than it does about who you were then. Your double talk comes across as another “better than you” insult, such as “Sorry, you had to go (silly).”
10. “Did you kill someone?” – This is probably the rudest and most antagonistic question to ask combat veterans. Most veterans in the combat arena weren’t in contact with the enemy, but those who were didn’t want you to ask this question. If you get to know the veteran and the topic has not come up, you can ask something like, “Have you ever been in contact with the enemy?”
You don’t need to worry about every comment you make to a vet, but it’s smart to consider what these comments will sound like if you’ve just met the veteran. If you are like the woman in the parking lot who just wanted to express gratitude to those who serve on the front lines of freedom, thank them for their service and be on your way. Veterans may not know how to respond, but they will appreciate your feedback and you will rarely see the tears that form in the vet’s eyes when they walk away.
