Today’s edition of the best relaxation techniques is all about anger management.
And here’s today’s technique for managing your anger: Count to 90. The old saying says you should count to 10, but it’s actually 90. In 90 seconds your anger will be gone unless you choose to command yourself to stay angry. Staying angry, in other words, is hard work.
You can verify this “90 second rule” by reading a fascinating book called “My Insight Stroke” by Jill Taylor Bolte. Dr. Bolte was a brain scientist at Harvard Medical School, “conducting research and teaching young professionals about the brain.”
In December 1996, Jill suffered a stroke that left her unable to perform the simplest physical or mental tasks. It took her eight years to fully recover. In her book, Dr. Bolte shares the extraordinary insights she gained from her stroke (see video below. 20 minutes worth of her life).
Dr. Bolte notes that “Although there are certain limbic (emotional) programs that can be activated automatically, it takes less than 90 seconds for one of these programs to activate, surge through our body, and then be completely removed from our bloodstream.” sanguine..” In other words, anger (or, for that matter, fear, sadness, and anxiety) is produced by chemicals (neurotransmitters) that circulate through our bodies. These chemicals dissipate in 90 seconds. In order to feel strong emotion beyond these initial 90 seconds, we must consciously choose to continue experiencing anger.
I had direct experience of this the other day while driving home on a two lane highway with very little traffic. At one point the path curved and another path intersected the one I was on. The speed limit on the curve went from 50 miles per hour to 30 because there was no stop sign where the roads intersected and it was impossible to see past the curve.
Just as I was coming around the curve, a car coming from the other direction on the curve passed me, heading towards the intersecting road, not slowing down or even seeming to realize we were within a few feet of colliding. . Fortunately, I had slowed down and avoided what would have been a devastating accident.
My limbic system went into overdrive. I was furious. My heart was racing. In my imagination, I chased after that driver, forced him (or her, I wasn’t sure) to the side of the road, and yelled my rage right in her face. In my mind, I could see that driver cowering and scared of me.
Then I remembered Dr. Bolte and her insight on anger management. The initial experience (90 seconds) of anger was gone, but I was literally commanding myself to keep it alive. Why did I do this?
According to Dr. Bolte, “when we feel strong negative emotions like anger, jealousy, or frustration… (we feel) strong and powerful” (she seemed to be speaking directly to me). She continued: “I’ve known people who consciously choose to exercise their anger circuitry on a regular basis simply because it helps them remember what it feels like to be themselves.”
In other words, certain feelings are so familiar to us that if we don’t experience them, we feel like we’re not “being ourselves.”
Dr. Bolte concludes by saying, “For all those years of my life, I really had been a figment of my own imagination.” When we feel anger beyond 90 seconds, we are all “figments of our imagination” and therefore create our own suffering. As I recall reading somewhere, while pain may be unavoidable, suffering is optional.
So the best anger management technique may simply be a matter of arithmetic: counting to 90.
