When you start to grow and change over the years, you will inevitably meet certain people who will be a negative influence on you. They have low self-esteem and will often consciously inadvertently try to hold you back. Not because they are bad people. It is just an unconscious protection mechanism. If you become “too good” then they fear you will put them down.

The typical type of friendship where this is likely to become a question for you is when the interaction is parasitic. They get much more out of friendship than you do. It seems logical to just ‘cut’ them, but doing it is not that simple. For starters, most people lack confidence in their ability to be assertive enough to tell the person outright that they want to end the friendship. So they do it uselessly. One way is to prepare the other person to position themselves as a victim. That way you have an ‘excuse’ to be mad at them and you can use that as the reason instead of facing the truth. The other thing that many people do is simply stop answering calls or replying to messages and hope that the parasite will just get the message and disappear.

Either way, however, there will be an underlying guilt that will make this process difficult. And perhaps for good reason. The reality is, you probably played with the parasitic relationship at least a little bit. So that guilt comes from the fact that you know that you are more responsible than you would be comfortable acknowledging. If you acknowledge your part, you risk looking like the bad boy who just used their friendship when it was convenient for you and now that you don’t need them anymore, you just ditch them.

So the first step is to face the uncomfortable reality that some of this has some truth to it. But that doesn’t mean you’re all bad. It just makes you human. We all do this when we yearn for acceptance and connection from people without having the confidence in ourselves to do it in a way that creates healthy boundaries. So you can leave the parasite behind if you want, but it’s still important to learn healthier boundaries for future friendships. It’s okay to make mistakes, but repeating them doesn’t help.

The other uncomfortable reality that you will have to face in order to grow from the experience is accepting that their parasitic interactions with you are only part of the reason you want to cut them off. The other is that there is a very real chance that you will be reminded of the parts you don’t like about yourself. Therefore, it is important to recognize that your decision to remove them is not to punish them, but to help them grow. However, the lesson you will have to learn is that if you don’t work on developing your own self-esteem, you will end up repeating the same cycle with other friends.

If you feel too guilty about cutting them off entirely, there is another way. And that’s changing the way you interact with them.

Let’s say you have a friend who, on the surface, pretends to have the best for you. But you start to realize that some of his lighthearted comments are actually subtle put-downs to keep you down. You probably feel awkward as hell, but there’s no real reason to stop you from saying words like:

“Look, I appreciate your concern, but when you say things like that it feels like a kind of disdain. I’m sure you don’t mean it, but I’m going to have to insist that you respect my wishes not to. Talk more like that. No. I want to lose your friendship, but I need to let you know that I will only keep talking to you if you respect it. “

It sounds easy, but here is the hardest part.

There’s a good chance that they had the upper hand by being the most dominant player in the relationship. So dealing with them in this way will inevitably create tension, and they are not going to like that. However, the reality is that good relationships, including good friendships, will withstand this stress. This is how you create limits.

However, it is important to be prepared for their inevitable retaliation, which is probably “but you are not holy.”

And this is most likely true. The main obstacle that prevents someone from insisting on a more respectful interaction with a friend is the fact that they know they are guilty of similar interactions. Either that or they are ‘invited’. That is why it is easier to just cut them. Because if you’re going to stick with this new limit, then you must accept it when they respond by pointing out your own interpersonal flaws. So to stay consistent, you need to step up and accept that if the criticisms about you are true, you may have to change your interactions with them as well. In other words, you don’t have to give them any excuses by modifying your own behaviors as well. And that’s the hardest part.

However, if you do this, you acknowledge your own shortcomings. You work to change your own behavior in exchange for hoping for an improvement in yours. So one of two things is inevitable;

The first is that they will simply cut you off, saving you the guilt of cutting them. It probably won’t happen easily. They will inevitably complain to your friends and try to turn them against you by telling you that you think you are “too good for them right now.” Expect this and hope that you will inevitably have to lose both them and other friends in the process.

This is the other difficult part. You will feel like your behavior is under scrutiny and will be judged as unfair if you hold others to standards that you are unwilling to meet. They will also attack you for your inconsistency if you allow it or even invite it on some occasions when it is convenient for you but they will reject it when it does not suit you. Your limits won’t be taken seriously and you’ll inevitably end up looking like the bad guy.

But, if you take a step forward. If you are open and honest about it. If you are consistent. If you learn to exercise mutual respect. And most importantly, if you recognize your own shortcomings instead of trying to impose yourself on the other person as superior to them. If you do these things, there is a very real chance that you can steer the relationship in a healthier direction.

This will be difficult at first and it will feel like two people circling in the water trying to rescue each other without being tempted to grab the other person to keep them afloat without pushing their head down at the same time. However, if you both manage to do this, then this is by far the best result.

However, once you learn to master this process, you will not only have made leaps and bounds in your social skills, but you will also have learned to step up and grow your own limiting immaturity. So it is beneficial for everyone.

Again, while this is the most ideal result, it is difficult to achieve, but it is worth the effort to learn the skills. So if this sounds like a goal you’d like to achieve in your own interpersonal relationships, remember this.

At the end of the day, the quality of your relationships comes down to your communication dynamics. And the quality of communication you have with other people will be greatly influenced by the quality of intrapersonal communication you have with yourself.