I used to smoke cigarettes. A lot. If I ran out of cigarettes and the stores were closed, no problem, I would take butts out of the ashtray or trash and smoke them. I smoked right when I woke up and right before I went to bed. Sometimes he smoked while eating. I knew it was a bad habit, that it could kill me, make my face look like an old shoe, and make me stink like rags, but I was so into it that, as with all abusive relationships, I chose to pretend nothing was wrong. even though in the back of my head there was a little voice yelling, “Stop! Please stop! We’re dying here!”

Then one day, I was about to drive from my beloved New Mexico to Los Angeles and my love story stopped dead in its tracks. Last night she had spent a particularly disgusting evening sitting smoking non-stop with three other smoke-loving friends. It was kind of like after a particularly disgusting night of drinking, you decide you’ll never drink again. Only unlike those losers, I was serious. Oh yes I was.

I packed up my entire car, put the top down, and started my road trip through the desert a smoke-free woman. Smoke free as soon as I finished the 6 cigarettes I still had in my pack, that is. “I’ll have one now, and another when I get to Gallup, then in Flagstaff I’ll stop for lunch and have one there…” I suddenly realized that there I was, under a beautiful desert sky, listening to my favorite music. , top to bottom, surrounded by the warm, sweet desert air, flying, free, accelerating happily, and all I could think about was when I was going to willingly suffocate next. I realized that I couldn’t enjoy one of my favorite activities on this planet because I was distracted by something I knew I wanted to stop doing. I also realized that I was a big liar, that I was already pushing my quit date because I was coming to town for a good friend’s party and I definitely wanted to smoke, so maybe I shouldn’t quit until next time. week when…

I stopped the car and threw out the six cigarettes and I haven’t smoked since. That was over ten years ago and it was a very significant moment because I realized something huge that applies to everything in life: if there’s something you really want to do, the only way to get there is to stop negotiating. Just do it NOW, not after you lose five pounds or have more money or more time or whatever you “need” to do before you start. Negotiation and wordiness are the mortal enemies of self-discipline. I decided at that moment that I was not a smoker. It became a non-negotiable fact. I didn’t smoke, so I wasn’t going to spend time thinking “maybe maybe just a cigarette” any more than I was going to spend time thinking maybe I’d inhale horse tranquilizers. I’m not a sniffer of horse tranquilizers, nor a smoker. Next topic please.

This mentality works with everything: if you want to lose weight, decide that you are a person who does not eat sugar. Ever. Or that he only has one cookie at a party instead of ten. Or that he gets up at 6:30 and exercises. Or if you are a writer, decide that you are a person who writes every day at noon for half an hour. Or that he writes two pages a day. If you start negotiations, you open the space for failure. If you make it a fact, just do it, no questions asked, and move on. It’s great, it really works, I promise.

Here are my top 5 tips for cracking the whip and disciplining yourself:

Stop negotiating.

You can find more information on this very important topic in Twyla Tharp’s incredible book, The Creative Habit. She is a self-discipline machine and this book is one of the best spankings I have ever received.

Set realistic goals.

Don’t decide you’re a person who runs 20 miles a day when you still consider walking to the pizza place around the corner a day of exercise. Start with running one mile a day and add more as you get stronger. Discipline is a muscle, you have to build it at your own pace. If you bite off more than you can chew at first, there’s a good chance you’ll get discouraged and give up entirely. Set achievable goals and slowly build from there.

Remember your why.

When that sexy piece of chocolate cake is catching your eye, remind yourself how much better off you’ll feel if you weigh five pounds less than you did during that two-minute chocolate roll in the hay. If you are writing and are tempted to get up and do the dishes, make a phone call, do anything but write, remember how amazing it will feel to have a real live book with your name on it that will help the world. . Make your “why” your mantra, keep remembering it when temptation flashes its sexy smile at you, and you will be a powerful and unstoppable force. It will keep your enthusiasm level up too, which will keep you motivated and help you get the job done.

Consider your accomplishments.

Keep track of how well you’re doing and give yourself a hearty bravo on a regular basis. Self-discipline is in your mind, so making your mind a happy and focused place is key. The more you realize how well you’re doing, the more you’ll be inspired to keep things going.

Make a bet with someone bad.

If you’re someone who really likes responsibility, this can be a great way to keep yourself in line. Make a bet with someone who will make you do it, someone who won’t coddle you or “understand that you did your best,” won’t accept excuses, and will show up at your door if you stop answering their calls. And be sure to bet something that is painful enough to lose, but not too unrealistic. For example, you could bet someone $100 that you will have the first chapter of your book written by a certain date. Make it a payable amount that you really don’t want to pay.