working mothers

Many parents ask me if I think it’s terrible for a young child to be separated from both parents all day. For the first few years, I would prefer one of the parents to be at home at least part time.

But is a young child really harmed by the absence of the mother? I think if a parent is basically satisfied with his life, whether it’s staying home or working full time, the child will be well adjusted. (Warning: replace yourself with someone you trust and who really enjoys kids.) Certainly, a mother who is frustrated as a full-time parent will have a more negative effect on a young child than a mother who is happy that she works.

Says a lawyer with three children: “There’s no question about it, the time I feel most frustrated is when I’m home after the birth of a child. A lot of my ego is tied to my career.” Admits another mom who works three days a week: “I just can’t keep up the interest level for so many hours. At the end of the weekend I can’t wait to get rid of my son. He’s sick of me, too.”

This article includes many suggestions from my parent groups on how to improve the lives of working mothers and young children. As almost every mother says, it is not easy to work, nor is it easy to be at home with a small child 24 hours a day. Stay-at-home moms mention feeling overwhelmed by childcare, while working moms often talk about never spending enough time with their kids. While there’s no perfect solution, it’s crucial to find the work style that’s best for you…and your toddler.

Your past

Whether you need to work or choose to work, it’s important to examine your own childhood. Parents often don’t realize how much their past affects them until after their children are born. Your own mother’s work history is going to have a tremendous influence on your attitudes.

For example, if you have a mother who works full time and feels that her needs are met, it will be natural for her to work. However, if your mother resented working, she felt guilty about leaving you, and she didn’t give you the nurturing you wanted, you may have difficulty establishing a positive identity as a working mother. Says one mother: “My mother had to work for financial reasons and she was really overwhelmed. Now I also have to work because I am the main breadwinner in the family. I am angry that I am away from my son for so long and I worry a lot.”

Mothers may also have difficulty sorting out their own feelings if they see their jobs as a way to escape their mother’s unhappy past and stay true to her memory. Says a mother with a three-year-old: “I had a full-time mother who would have been much happier and had a better room if she worked. I was exposed to her personality too much! She was constantly telling me how important it was to do something you enjoyed with your life. From the time I was in college I was obsessed with having a career. When I had my kids. I was terrified of having my mother’s frustration. Half the time I can’t tell my true feelings about my work because I am very motivated by this memory”.

Once you understand how your past influences your feelings about work, it can affect your decision to work and your motherhood. If you can’t resolve your work problems, it may help to see a counselor.