Of all the questions about broken relationships, the most common have to do with friendship. And that’s because, for many people, maintaining some level of friendship after a breakup seems like the go-to method of trying to stay in their ex-boyfriend’s or ex-girlfriend’s life.
Why can’t I stay friends with my ex? Won’t that help get them back?
I hate to say it, but the answer is no. They cannot, and should not, remain friends, or even friendly, after the breakup. NOT if you really want this person to be your girlfriend or boyfriend again.
Honestly, staying friends with someone who just dumped you seems like a great starting idea. You can still see them. You get to talk to them, text them; By staying on friendly terms, you don’t have to cut them out of your life.
You are also in sight, so that your ex does not forget about you, and you can see what your ex-lover is doing… and with whom.
All of that sounds amazing, doesn’t it? The best after dating them, right? Well, if any of that were true.
Why being friends with your ex is torture for them
Right off the bat, you have to understand something very important: after breaking up with you, your ex doesn’t want to see you.
For many people this is very difficult to swallow. Yes, I know, they told you differently. Your boyfriend or girlfriend put on a brave smile and said “sure!” when you asked if you could still talk to them, keep in touch, heck, even hang out together. And they meant it…during the time it took him to get back to your car.
After? Your ex wants to avoid you. He or she would rather go to the dentist than meet you right now. And no, it’s not because they hate you. It’s not “bad blood” or anything stupid like that. It is because your ex will be totally uncomfortable with you. And that’s for something even more important:
They are trying to push aside any emotional bonds they still have for you.
And yes, the last thing they want is to see you. Or hear from you. Or, for God’s sake, hang out with you. When you call or text or whatever, you will talk to them less and less. They will cut the communication ties slowly, so as not to disturb you, but they will cut them anyway. Which means that very, very soon, you will feel totally and utterly alone.
Why being friends with your ex is torture for you You
Now, if you think that’s bad, that’s an even worse situation on your part. Because while you’re friends with your ex girlfriend or boyfriend? You’re stuck in this weird limbo of not being in a romantic relationship with them anymore and not really being a friend either.
“No way! I can completely be friends with my ex!”
No. You may think you’re doing it, but you’re actually stuck in a very strange place. That’s because you’re not like any of your ex’s other friends. you are a friend with an agenda.
A ‘friend’ who has the ultimate goal of getting back into this person’s pants. They want friendship. Do you want more. And as much as you deny it, or think you can try to hide it? Your ex totally knows and sees it. They feel it without you having to say a single word, and from then on, they’re going to have their guard up around you.
Staying friends at this point will be torture. You will have to smile and be ‘happy’ while your ex lives his life without you. You will have to support him when he talks about his dating problems. And when your ex finally starts dating someone else? You’ll have to put on your bravest face and act happy for them, even though it will feel like you’re being stabbed in the stomach.
And hey, even if they could be friends for a while? The second or both have a new partner, that person will not be very happy with the arrangement. Remember dating that person who just couldn’t let go of her ex? The person who told you “we’re just friends” even though you wish this ex would just go away? Well now you are on the other side of that coin.
What should you do if your ex wants to be friends?
Short answer? You tell them no. But the long answer? You have to do it in such a way that you really makes your ex need to hear from you again.
It’s not as simple as rejecting the friendship. You also need to convince your ex that you don’t want to be friends with him and that you don’t just shrug it off because you’re bitter or angry.
Essentially, you want your ex to wonder WHY you won’t be their friend. He should seem cold to you. Callus. As if you really didn’t care if you could get rid of them in one fell swoop to begin with.
The fact that you’re unwilling to even maintain simple contact (like texting or Instagram) tells your ex a lot about your independence and how you’ve been misidentified as still needing them around. This is just one of several counter-rejection techniques you can employ to shake things up, making your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend question their decision to break up with you in the first place.
When your ex realizes that you are willing to walk away from them, without even trying to be friends? They themselves feel rejected. Your boyfriend or girlfriend also has to face the grim reality of the breakup alone.
This is especially bad for them if they expected you to keep in touch. Most people who say “let’s be friends” aren’t 100% ready to let go yet, and post-breakup friendship is one way to do it gradually, at your own pace. But you denied them that luxury, which takes them out of their comfort zone. You just took off the Band-Aid with one quick movement.
