My 3-year-old son was thrilled to wear what he thought was the most awesome superhero underwear on the planet and I was thrilled that we both survived potty training. But then something incredible happened. One day my son woke up and flat out refused to put on his super cool underwear. Instead, he asked me to put on his old B-59s (cloth diapers shaped like airplanes). The party was over and the setback was especially painful because it happened back when disposable diapers were just a twinkle in the eye of a future multi-billion dollar company.

Both of my sons (only 10 months apart) wore cloth diapers, chaining me to my washing machine every day. And even if someone had told me that cloth diapers are better for the planet, I probably would have turned B-59s into dust rags in a New York minute if given the option. I was just too exhausted to put the environment first at that point.

I was also too exhausted to be as understanding as I should have been when I finally figured out the reason for my son’s setback. Apparently, he was peeing in the bathroom at his preschool when the booster seat fell off and, according to him, “nearly broke my penis to death!” In reality, he had gone back in time to avoid falling off the seat. But the very idea of ​​not being able to avoid the possible catastrophe terrified him.

My son’s incredibly sensitive preschool teacher responded by designating one of the two toilets in the bathroom for “boys only” and glued the seat to the toilet tank. At home, we kept the seat down all the time and taught my son how to clean up “pee drips.” These two tactics eventually got my son back into his favorite underwear, thank goodness!

Sharing Chris’ ordeal with other parents prompted them to share their own stories about their children’s potty training fears. Before that, he had no idea that something as innocuous as a bath could be so scary.

First is the issue of the loud noise the toilet makes. Although most of the little kids have heard it many times, it still scares some of them. The best way to deal with this fear is to desensitize children to sound. This can be accomplished by letting the child flush over and over again in the presence of a comforting adult until the sound is no longer threatening.

The second fear has to do with the flushing action of the toilet. Some budding critical thinkers reason that if the toilet takes the toilet paper and the toilet paper never comes back, the toilet could do the same to them. This fear can be effectively addressed by having children put their hands (and even forearms) into the hole so they can see for themselves that the child’s entire body cannot fit through the hole.

Many children are afraid of falling into the toilet and getting stuck or not being able to get out on their own. This is when it’s a good idea to show children how to sit safely on the toilet. One way is to have the child hold on to the seat with both hands while she leans slightly forward. Another safe way to sit on the toilet is to sit back on the seat and hold on to the tank or seat. Both positions can help children feel more in control of the situation.

If fears of using the bathroom are not the reason your child resists using the bathroom, consider these possible causes:

1. Your child may not be physically or mentally ready for potty training.

2. Your child may be a bit lazy and wants someone else to take care of his potty problems.

3. Your child may sense your desperation for training and may use the situation to gain more power in the relationship.

Your best defense in combating these problems is to make potty training worthwhile for your child. This is where the accolades and old-fashioned leftovers come in. Showering your child with praise and attention when he successfully uses the toilet can work wonders. And you can also find out what would motivate your child to give up diapers. It could be special underwear, putting stickers on an achievement chart, or giving special gifts or rewards. Even a promise to spend special time with you, time when you read a book or play together after a successful potty attempt, can work.

In the end, anything you can do to address your child’s fear and encourage him to use the bathroom will completely eliminate the need to yell in utter exasperation, “Why don’t you use the bathroom?”