I admit that I am always a little surprised when I hear cheating spouses ask my opinion on what to do to fix things. It’s usually pretty clear to me that I see things from the perspective of the faithful spouse. Still, sometimes it’s obvious that the cheating spouse is confused by his mistake and now he wants to start doing the right thing. Some want to end the adventure, but know that it will cause them a lot of pain when they do. So sometimes they ask what is the best and least painful way to proceed.

I can hear a husband say, “I know I have to end my affair. Now I know I want to be with my wife again. I realize that I very wrongly took my marriage for granted. I want to start trying.” to heal my marriage as soon as possible. I haven’t told my wife yet, but I will. The problem is the other woman. She has convinced herself that she is in love with me and that we are soul mates. I admit I didn’t put this off because I got caught up in the relationship. But now I regret it and feel guilty at the thought of breaking things off so abruptly. She will think that she did something wrong when she didn’t. .. The truth is that I just realized my mistake. There is nothing she can do to change your mind. But I’m starting to consider trying to break it down gradually in the hope that this will make it easier for everyone. I’ve considered starting by simply telling her that I can’t see her that often. she less and less. Over time, it will become apparent that the relationship is cooling and I suspect it will be easier for her to accept. Is this a good way to break gradually? Or, from a woman’s perspective, is there a way to do it more gradually that’s even better?”

Why you may be wrong in your assumptions: Honestly, I understand your thought. But there are a lot of assumptions here that may not be correct. I’m going to talk about the wife in a minute. But for now, I’m going to focus on the other woman. The assumption was that she would agree to see less of this man without hesitation or complaint. She was also not supposed to realize what he was doing and that she would believe that he would suddenly have to see less of her for legitimate reasons beyond her control.

Here’s the thing. The other woman is often not stupid. She knows that it is possible that you could end the relationship at any time because of your wife and your marriage. In fact, some “other women” have already had broken relationships where the married man ends things to get back with his wife. It happens all the time. It wouldn’t be out of the question that she’s already looking for this. So she may question you more than you think, and logistically your plan wouldn’t work or be believable anyway.

Moral considerations when you’re trying to do the right thing: Now that we’ve talked about logistics, let’s talk about the morality of the situation. We all know that having an affair is wrong. But you can’t take that back. What you can do, however, is start changing your behaviors and start doing what you know is right. And you have to know that it’s not okay to keep cheating on this woman and keep lying to your wife.

By trying to end things gradually, you are prolonging the relationship. And even if she really is trying to do the right thing, and even if her heart is no longer in the business, she continues to lie to two people. You keep betraying your spouse. And he continues to engage in the kind of behavior he says he wants to avoid.

The reality of the situation: I know you’re trying to avoid the pain. But really, you’re just prolonging the pain. It’s crueler to give the other woman hope when, by your own admission, she really isn’t. Yes, it will hurt both his wife and the other woman. But, she’s going to hurt every time it happens. And the sooner you finish it, the sooner you can start the healing. The longer you drag it out, the harder it will be.

It’s a pretty safe bet that living a lie is causing you stress. Continuing to do it for longer than necessary only maintains stress. I can’t tell you that none of this is easy. It is not. But in my own experience, the sooner you start moving toward healing and doing what you know is right, the better the outcome.